[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
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“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
is nasa ok