Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
![]()
You Might Also Like
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Well, that should do it
![]()
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
![]()
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*