Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
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*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Beware…..
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard