Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
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Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
True
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct