If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
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I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
my professor scared me for a second