I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.