A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
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[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Hmmmmm
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.