I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
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If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?