Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday