Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
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My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Teach your children to beatbox
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids