ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
consequences, the bane of my existence
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.