*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
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ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me when my alarm goes off
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Geez man, take it easy.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.