I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”