I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
You Might Also Like
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“Huge”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.