I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
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Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Danger is very dangerous
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.