My birth announcement for our third baby
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*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine