2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
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Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.