Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
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Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.