Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
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Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.