When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
You Might Also Like
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
The happy life.. 😊
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.