dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
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The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal