Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
You Might Also Like
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.