You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Childbirth is so beautiful
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
What the hell is going on?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.