Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
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[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.