Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
You Might Also Like
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.