Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
let’s discuss
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.