Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
You Might Also Like
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
What a website
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?