4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.