Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
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My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
When libraries troll their patrons.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.