Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
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“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no