My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
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the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Great game to play with friends
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
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All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!