馃ぃ
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Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
A friend wanted to know what it鈥檚 like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I鈥檓 thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[yard sale]
Cop: We鈥檙e here to question you about your neighbor鈥檚 missing…is that a gun? We鈥檙e going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, 鈥渋s that why your feet look like that?”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
We鈥檙e fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they鈥檙e at the wrong house.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.