How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.