I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
You Might Also Like
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
#merica
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
They’re the worst 😩
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations