My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
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Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I am yelling
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.