me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
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me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My birth announcement for our third baby
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.