I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
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[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.