Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
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Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Cool shirt 🙂
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?