Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
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Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.