[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Not today
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.