*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
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my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise