Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
You Might Also Like
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣