ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
This is no longer winter this is harassment
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.