Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
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[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.