The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
You Might Also Like
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.