It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
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Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.