*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
You Might Also Like
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Running from your problems is cardio .
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Can. I. Help. You.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-