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Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
What number SPF blocks people?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.