My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
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wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Breaking news:
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.