Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I have so many questions.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I’m Sold!
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.